Moving Forward or Standing Still

The Steamship Ferry heading “home”-moving forward- passing one of the last boats in the harbor-standing still. Which am I? Which are you?

Moving forward or standing still? It’s a rainy, raw morning here on Nantucket. Not the first-as until this week, every Saturday brought rain. Yesterday was no exception, but it held off until evening. Continuing this morning makes my upcoming training distance of 14 miles seem impossible, especially if I hope to be back to support our broken Patriots team. Today I wonder about my life’s trajectory. The time here is flying by and i will be home soon and back to work in my usual schedule for now at least. I am focused on my two huge commitments made long before this ‘re-set”: Finishing my 10Th Marathon on December 10th, and serving in Maun, Botswana with Real Impact Missions in March. My 74th birthday follows shortly after in April, and I have held this as a “goal time” to “Change” my schedule -if not my life. Would changing my schedule even change my life? It hasn’t here…Sitting here in Sunday gloom, this whole plan seems ridiculous. Coming out to this island to “re-set”. Great idea, but so what? Am I actually moving forward- or standing still? Does anyone other than myself care? NO. And why should they? This IS the reality of widowhood+grown children with partners, children, lives of their own. No one really cares what I do.Nor need they.

Clearly, the re-set has only to do with me. The marathon training requirements have made not being busy impossible. It IS my job here, my time, my day. Because I realized I could Not come here and miss out on ”learning” and “living” Nantucket, I have concocted this crazy amalgam of training(walking) all over this island, not an easy feat-for the feet(!) since so much of Nantucket is SAND. I was slow before I got here; now i am hiking as if back on the Camino, certainly not on a marathon race course! On mornings like these, I feel discouraged and anxious. Standing still.

But on mornings like I experienced on Friday when the sun was shining gloriously on the steeple of the First Congregational Church on Center Street, I feel enlivened and encouraged by my brilliant blending of training and experiencing fully this “far away island”, 30 miles out to sea that holds 51% of its land in conservation. Moving forward.

First Congregational Church, Center Street, Nantucket

Can one be both moving forward and yet be standing still? I hope so, for that is what I feel. I don’t feel “stuck”-I feel as if I am driving a stick shift car, not quite certain which gear is best for the landscape I am now inhabiting.

Busy suits me. It always has. I LIKE being busy. I have come to see that even here, without all of my scheduled work, I am BUSY. Now the marathon training is the biggest part of busy. I am Blessed to be here for doing the belly of this training would be otherwise impossible. I simply could not do these miles in addition to all that I already do “at home.” November looms ahead with 16, 18, and 18 still to be done before the taper. Moving forward. Will have to remember HATH-A-WAY when I get to it. No solutions right now. Standing still.

Still suits me as well. Never do I have a day without prayer, meditation, silence. I have bathed in silence here. Long miles, no music but ocean, gull song, and insistent wind.

No TV except for 7 minutes of news while on my Rebounder trying to get my spine to get on-board for the day’s miles. Long periods of solitary, painful but necessary stretching.

Books! So many books! Nantucket history and travel information, book club books, spiritual books, daily meditation readings, books about mission work. Moving forwad and standing still.

Halfway through my journey here. Up, down. Convinced, confused. Moving forward, standing still. Here’s what I know. We take ourselves, our problems and dilemmas with us. Geography doesn’t change this. I am busy here. I am busy at home. I am still here. I am still at home. I have come to know that until I finish the Marathon, I am Too busy. But i committed to this endeavor for deep reasons of the heart, and the discipline has strengthened my mind and my spirit(if not my body! LOL!) Balance will be more realistic when this full time “job” is finished on December 10. Standing still. My wish for these two remaining weeks is that i move forward to envision what balance Would look like following the marathon. i hope to use the discipline i have dearly worked for to create more “room” in my work and my life after I return from Botswana-maybe even before! Moving forward.

Please don’t let me sign up for another Marathon! Standing still.

Oh, but did I tell you I DO want to climb the 48 4,000ft peaks in New Hampshire?Moving forward. Come with me-there is busy and still to be explored.

How about you? Moving forward or Standing still?Or better yet-BOTH!